Why? Because being happy makes me vulnerable.
Since working through the most difficult portions of my depression, I’ve been very comfortable with myself and my personality. I never had to try; it was easy to be lonely and guarded. It was easy to focus on academics and leadership roles, my own emotions set aside. Recently, I’ve begun this happiness craze. I have completely purged my heart of everything I’ve held onto for seven years. Change is inevitable, I know, but it is also terrifying. Moving on from the past is difficult. I feel like a new person, and I’m struggling to adjust. I’m truly happy, but also incredibly vulnerable. I feel as if I’m waiting for something to mess it up. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.
Today has been a bit gloomier, but I have a few things I’m looking forward to: Sunday. My fast Sunday horchata tradition. Retro skating with my girlfriends. Finishing “Emma” tomorrow. International cinema. Labor day. Having long hair again in two years. Vanilla hot chocolate. Paycheck. Dance on Friday. Eating the new cereals I purchased. Making enchiladas soon.
Please don’t think I’m not happy, because I am!! Promise. It’s a struggle, but there’s no way I’m giving up. If you want to give me a “pick-me-up,” you know I appreciate daisies, sunflowers, red vines, hot tamales, text messages, and hand written letters. (I’ll even send you my address!!!)
Be good! Especially you, Zoe:) I love you all.