Thursday, November 15, 2012

When you least expect it.

There are people watching out for me. I'm grateful to live among so many spiritually receptive servants of God. For the first time ever, I have felt an overwhelming amount of support and love. In high school, I spent most of my lunches in the library or debate room doing homework. Though I tried really hard to fit in, nothing clicked. There were a few occasions when a person would reach out to help me, but besides that, I felt like my efforts to be friendly were largely ignored. 

Monday night, I was in desperate need of a priesthood blessing. My FHE brother and dad, Harrison and Sam, came and gave me a blessing with dedicated oil. They came prepared with the spirit. This blessing helped prepare me for the things I faced on Tuesday. 

A girl in my ward, Azya, has been especially kind to me. Wednesday morning, she woke up early to walk with me to work at 4 am. She didn't know what had happened to me Tuesday night. She only felt inspired to be there for me Wednesday morning. And we went to a fireside together that night where I was able to feel the spirit. I'm grateful that I did not have to sit alone. On top of inviting me to sit with her, we met up with a few other girls from the ward. It feels nice to finally fit in somewhere. 

On Wednesday, also, Harrison met up with me on campus to give me a hug. That was it. I texted him and told him I needed a hug, and immediately he was willing to step in. We met up and talked for a bit. I'm so grateful for his friendship. Since then, he's contacted me again today to make sure I'm doing alright. 

Elaine is a girl in my Spanish class that I've become very close with! We see each other every day in class and we've also spent a lot of time together outside of class. On Wednesday, she spent an hour with me. I don't think I would have been able to make it through that hour alone. We decided that we wanted to do something fun and out of the ordinary. A woman handed us a flier for a study abroad fair where Vocal Point would be performing. And they were serving free food! We had a great time!

I also received a text message from my dearest friend, Jenna Marsden. It was a silly comic, but it was enough to give me a little giggle. I love her so much for every time she's been there for me. I cannot wait until the next time I get to see her and hug her. It's been over 6 months, which is far too long.

This morning, the thing that has been trying me became more difficult. I felt dizzy and my breathing began to speed up. I didn't want to have another anxiety attack. I resolved to overcome this trial. I fell to my knees and prayed for the pain to be taken from me. As soon as I closed my prayer, my Dad called me. I couldn't keep from crying. He didn't know what was going on, but he called me at the precise moment I needed him.

My dear friend Emily--and roommate from Late Summer Honors--texted me today to let me know that she and Emily--another friend from Late Summer Honors--wanted to plan a lunch date with me. Emily and Emily don't know what's been going on. They don't know what happened to me this morning. They, however, have acted on the impression that I need help. We're meeting tomorrow.

Today, again, Elaine and I spent some time together. We talked and talked and talked about a lot things. Feelings, boys, relationships, etc. We have a lot of the same struggles with mental illnesses. It feels nice to talk with someone who understands what I'm going through.

While walking home from school today, I called my high school debate coach and told him about everything that's going on. He and I talked briefly about my depression when I was in school, so he's always sort of known what's going on. He has a way of always checking up on me without necessarily bringing it up. He's extremely perceptive. For example, at the first tournament I judged at this year, when I first saw him, he asked, "what's wrong?" I hadn't said anything to him, but he knew that I needed help. Today on the phone, he validated a lot of the decisions I've been making. He made me feel more confident about my conviction to serve a mission and helped me to see with an eternal perspective.

About two hours ago, David, the Elders Quorum president, called me to see if he and his presidency could visit me tonight. There's no way that he knows what I'm going through, but he knows that I need a visit. I'm actually pretty stoked that they're coming and I'm excited to see what it is they want to tell me! I know that it will be uplifting. 

AAAND, just barely, a guy from my ward named Paul called to ask me on a date for next Tuesday! 

This is almost getting a little ridiculous...what's next, you know???:) These examples that I've listed here are for this week alone. For the past four days only. 

I'M DYING. My debate coach just called me back. Not even kidding. He shared a story with me from his life about what kind of things were going on before his mission and how his mission changed everything for him. And how he knows that if he hadn't served a mission, his life would be drastically different and not near as fulfilling. He then listened to me more. He is great. He has had a major impact on my life.

In the book "Your Best Life Now" by Joel Osteen, it talks about living with expectancy. Live every day expecting that something great is about to happen. Expect that God is going to bless you and give you what you need when you need it. 

I can't help but think of one of my favorite Hilary Weeks, "When You Least Expect It." Earlier this week I was in complete despair. For the past six or so weeks, I've been aching. I felt like I had a long way to go. But here I am, feeling so much comfort. God is mindful of me and has sent His angels to watch over me.

"It's been raining for days with no sign of it letting up.
All I can think about is how much I miss the sun.
The sound is almost hypnotizing, pounding on the pavement,
And drop by drop I forget how good the sun feels on my face.

And through the shadows, beyond the clouds,
A ray of light hits my window.
I can't believe it, but I can see it right in front of my eyes

And that's when it happens,
When you least expect it

And you know God has heard every prayer.

That's when it happens
Love breaks through the darkness
And Heaven surprised you
When you least expect it.

I've quit counting the hours I've prayed for answers,
I can't help wondering how long I will have to wait.
And why is Heaven silent while I'm running out of words
I keep on knocking but nobody hears me standing at the door.

Then through the shadows
Beyond the doubt
Heaven sends the answer.
I can't believe it
But I can feel it
Deep inside of my heart."

And again, just had a spiritual conversation with my roommates. Clarissa told me that she was praying that my pain would be taken away and that she received a feeling that depression is a trial that God wants me to go through. I've received the same confirmation. God allows me to feel sadness so that I will someday understand and appreciate a fullness of joy. However, I don't have to go through it alone.

Wow people, I have so much to say right now. All I know is that one week ago, one day ago, even this morning, I was wondering when I'd be able to make it through. And maybe I'm not completely done with this bout...but this I do know: that Heaven is shining down on me right now.

Earlier this school year, probably near the beginning of September, I was listening to Henry B. Eyring's talk "Mountains to Climb" while at work. I prayed for a mountain to climb and for the strength to make it over. I prayed for a mountain to climb and was given Kilimanjaro. The journey has been rough so far, and harder than I expected, but the things I'm learning along the way are making it so worth it. Every day I feel like crying and giving up. And then, when I least expect it, God shines His love and light on me.


  1. HOLY COW that's all I have to say! :)

  2. For the Record: I kind of love you a lot. Also, you are a pillar of strength and if I ever manage to grow up, I want to be just like you.