Sunday, December 30, 2012

The Sarah who smiles again.

While at my friend Jenna's house, I did something a kind of reckless... I dyed a lock of my hair black. (We also drank sparkling cider out of shot glasses, which was a little too much fun.)

So probably not as cool as you thought, but I have to start somewhere, right? Anyway, the newly blackened lock of my hair isn't the point. The point is this:

When I got home, I asked my Dad if he noticed anything different about me. He said, "You're smiling today."


In the past, I've always been crazy about smiling. I remember Cameron Comer once remarking that I "smile too much." I would walk through the halls of Lehi just smiling. For no reason! Even when I was having a bad day, I would smile. Over the summer, I would walk around campus smiling. In July when I started my job, the girl who trained me kept looking at me weird. She finally asked why I was smiling at 5 am. I didn't know. I just smiled all the time.

But I lost that part of me.

I let my emotions take over. I let my depression rule my life. Happy Sarah hasn't existed since September. She made random appearances, but never stayed long. I regret that.

When my Dad noted that I was smiling, and that made me look different, I immediately made it a goal to smile more.


Because I worship the almighty God. I worship His Son, a perfect and loving Savior. Sitting next to me on the couch are the scriptures, translated into my language. I can read them any time I want without persecution. I have three beautiful sisters who are caring. I have the funniest brother-in-law in the world, who is everything I've always wanted in a brother and more. My parents are the two greatest people I've been privileged to know. They are patient and understanding and loving. I attend the most academically competitive school in the state that is both challenging and nourishing to my spirit. My tuition is paid for. I have the opportunity to serve a mission. My mission is paid for. I have compassionate friends and roommates. I went on over five dates this past semester, which should be a freshman girl record. I have a body, a home, food, and modern technology. While growing up, I had tremendous leaders and examples all around me. They still care about me today. I really can't even begin to count the blessings I've been given. I have every reason in the world to smile.

And so, today and tomorrow and the next day, and the day after that, and even the following day, I will smile. If things are happy and joyful and beautiful, I will smile. But if not, I will smile anyway because life itself is happy and joyful and beautiful.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Dad and Rob!

I apologize. The pathetic-ness times have become few and far between. I'm okay, I just need to give in every once in a while. I'm in a battle between trying to get over it and trying to confront my feelings. I don't want to repress anything, but I also don't want to give in to my emotions too often. I was talking with my doctor and we decided that by the end of December, I wouldn't let this bother me anymore. I plan on sticking to that. After December I will have no more breakdowns. I think that's sufficient time to heal.

Last night my Dad gave me a big hug and said something that I knew, but didn't know well enough: NO guy is EVER worth that many tears. Why would I even want to be with someone who makes me feel this way? I thought about it a lot and came the realization that I want someone who is on my level. I did so much pulling in that relationship. I want someone who is naturally hard working. Someone who wants to give me the world. When I find the right guy, he'll be worth the tears, but he won't make me need to use them. 

My Dad is the greatest man I have ever been privileged to know. He is extremely dedicated and hard working. He provides, presides over, and protects me. He is funny, serious, kind, and helpful. He always knows exactly what to say. He excels in his business as well as magnifies every calling he's given. My brother in law Robert is right up next to my Dad. When Lindsay and Rob met, he was just about to graduate from BYU. He had a nice paying job lined up. He doesn't love his work, but he works tirelessly anyway for my sister. They've been able to purchase a beautiful home and fill it with nice things. Rob is funny and loving and the brother I've always wanted. My Dad and brother have truly set a high standard for whoever my future husband is. I plan on finding someone like them.

Of course, in the mean time, that means I have a lot of work to do. I figure that the more I prepare myself, the more worthy I'll be of someone like them. Those men are great, and so are my Mom and sister Lindsay. I want to be deserving of a beautiful eternal marriage. I'm so so so grateful for a Mom and Dad who have taught me to not settle for less.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Now, I normally try to be positive about the way I look. I think I have a decent enough face, and I like my smile and eye color. However, this week, I just feel ugly! My bottom left eyelid is swollen--I have no idea why. But it's puffy and pink and kind of hurts. On top of that my eyes and skin are dry from the cold weather. My hair isn't cooperating, my face is breaking out. I don't have the energy to wear anything besides a hoodie and I've been staying on campus after work each morning. Therefore, little to no make up each day. And I've been wearing my glasses, not contacts. On top of that, I'm getting almost no sleep and so I have huge bags under my eyes.


But I'm almost done. And then it's Moab, LEHI, San Diego, Santa Maria, LEHI, Manti, and more LEHI.

Much love to the fam. I'm still (barely) alive:)

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Happy happy weekend.

I had a gloriously wonderful weekend! It started with classes being OVER. Wyview handed out free donuts. I went on a date to Temple Square and ice skating at the Gallivan Center. (I super want to go again over the break!) Clarissa and I had a sleepover. I bought peanut butter crunch cereal. I went to the temple. I went on another date to go dancing. (Which was the craziest funnest thing in the world!!!!!!!!!) Played violin in Sacrament meeting. I taught Relief Society. Took a three hour nap. Talked with a good friend of mine. I went to a Q&A fireside with President Osguthorpe of the Sunday School with the Asian ward! And lastly, ward prayer.

Super good weekend. So grateful. So blessed. I really feel like I'm on the upswing right now. Things are getting better and I'm committed to being happy.

Love you all!:)

Quotable quotes from Fall 2012

Sarah: “I’m just trying to provide for you. I’m so altruistic!”
Amanda: “You are NOT altruistic!”

Clarissa: “Usually my thoughts consist of, ‘how fast can I scrub this toilet???”

Clarissa: “Ohhhh nooo…my jam fell on the floor. And on my pants.” *Said in a very low and slow voice

Sarah: “I don’t want to grow up anymore. I just want to be a pokemon trainer.”
Amanda: “Hug first. LECTURE LATER.”

Clarissa: “I really want some ice cream!”
Sarah: “YEAH AMANDA, GET US SOME ICE CREAM!” *Said from the other room

Amanda: “Hey Sarah, there’s a door right there.” *Said 5 minutes after I ran into the door

Sarah: “WHY??? WHY AM I A GIRL????? WHY MUST I FEEL SO MANY THINGS?” *Said while on the floor dying
Amanda: “Because you have two X chromosomes.”

Amanda: “CLAA…I mean SARAH!!!”

Amanda: “Sarah you shouldn’t be so picky about the jelly beans you eat…there are no brown jelly beans.”

Amanda: “It’s always fun to fry. Which is why I like being around you!”

Clarissa: “It just sounds great to sit in my pajamas and write about bigfoot all day.”

Sarah: “Kelli brought the apples by. I think her family has an apple……….I almost just said farm. Her family does NOT own an apple farm.”

Amanda: “Are you going to be okay serving in South America if you’re called there?”
Sarah: “Yeah! That’s where I want to go!”
Amanda: “No, I’m talking about are you going to be able to handle yourself around all of those ‘brown jelly beans’?”

Clarissa: “I wrote down the…Earl. I call it Earl—the URL.”

Clarissa: “Just so you know, anything good that I said wasn’t me. Wasn’t me. But anything that was bad, that was alllll me.”

Clarissa: “Maybe I should try really hard to get married while Kolton is gone, because then it definitely won’t happen because whatever we try to do doesn’t work out.”

Clarissa: “Sometimes I accidentally spell “water” with an H.”

Clarissa : “Where has Amanda been?”
Sarah: “Last night she was out studying til after midnight. She’s been spending a lot of time at the library.”
Azya and Emily W* Laughing
Azya: “Yeah I’m sure she’s studying…”

Sarah: “Did you ring check him first? PLEASE tell me you ring checked him??”
Azya: “Yeah, I checked when he was handing us our food.”

Clarissa: “Aww so cute!!”
Emily I: (To Clarissa): What you working on over there?”
Emily W: “A baby.”

Sarah: “We just tickled a camel’s butt.”

*Clarissa spanks Sarah while Sarah is washing her dishes
Clarissa: “Don’t do my dishes!”
Sarah: “Don’t spank me!”
Clarissa’s mom on the phone: “You should write her a thank you letter!”
Clarissa: “Thanks for letting me spank you.”

*Heard by Sarah from the other room
Clarissa: “I think I’ll do a hand stand….”
*crashing sound
Clarissa: “AWWW YESSSSS!!!!”

Amanda: “So I’ve spent two months practicing and people will be paying $2 to see it?”
Clarissa: “Yup………$1 for each month!”

*said while shuddering
Clarissa: “A person’s a person…no matter…how………tall.”

Clarissa: “I thought of my motto! It doesn’t matter where you’re going. Oh wait….”

*Conversation said really loudly so that two boys might over hear it

Briana: “YEAH! I heard you’re going out with a six foot twelve guy!!!!!!
Clarissa: “That would be seven feet????”

Clarissa: “I smell……..testosterone.”

Clarissa: “Watch out for deer poop!”
Sarah: “Oh, I love it when they put little poopies all over the grass!”

Sarah: “I’m gonna take my glasses off when I call him so that I can’t see reality and freak out!” *said while lying on the floor freaking out.

Clarissa: “No reason to cry over spilled milk!” *Said after Sarah spilled milk all over herself and the floor.

Clarissa: “Why are there no pants? Here’s how: take off your pants.”

Sarah: “So basically these two random people have been dragged into this awkward family situation as outcasts??”

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Crandall Classic

If you ever have the opportunity to have a debate tournament named after you, I would say GO FOR IT. Truly one of the coolest experiences of my life:) I felt like the lady of the day. For your enjoyment, here are a few of the spar topics used! Spar is a spontaneous argument, so anyone given these topics would have to come up with a debate for or against it on the spot. While reading these, imagine how you would try and argue affirmative or negative:

There are two kinds of people in this world
We should debate something else
Santa Claus is coming to town
Stalkers just need to feel loved
Your judge is a fugitive from justice
MC Hammer can touch this
You can paint with all the colors of the wind
Men who can't grow mustaches aren't real men
Vampires that sparkle are easier to kill
One does not simply walk into Mordor
Kim Jong Un is a better dancer than Barack Obama
There's no such thing as stupid questions
Happy cows come from California
Gangnam Style should be our national anthem

And my favorites:
Haters gonna hate
If you like it, then you should have put a ring on it

Aaaand there you have it. Much love to my friends and family, who saved me this past week! There have been some challenges, but there have been so many more blessings.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

The Only Exception

As if you're not already convinced that I'm crazy, here I am retracting--mostly clarifying--a statement I made previously. I did not make the right decision, but I have learned a lot from the decision that I made. The regret that I feel leads me to believe that I was not appreciative of what I had when I had it. There were times, many times, over the past year that I could have worked things out. But I didn't. Yes, I've learned so much since then. Things that I could not have otherwise learned. However, I wish I could go back with what I know now and turn things around.

If I could teach you any one thing, it would be this: be grateful for what you have, and more importantly, who you have. Even when things are hard, hold on. Be gracious and forgiving and charitable. Never withhold loving service from someone who means the world to you. Never let small mistaken details interfere with something much grander and more beautiful. And above all, don't give up on love. Because if it's real and you choose to walk away, and it takes you too long to figure it out, then you might miss out on something wonderful.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Mid November, I pulled out my desk calendar to find that I hadn't crossed off any days since mid October. Today I glanced at it again to find that today is apparently November 18th.

Most mornings I wake up wondering how I'm going to make it through the day. I feel weak and tired and lonely at 3:30 am. It's hard to temper my thoughts while struggling to get dressed in the darkness. It's cold. And dark. Yet somehow I find myself here every night--back in my apartment. Naturally I'm tired and exhausted from a long day of projects and feelings, but I made it through. And somehow I made it through about twenty days without even looking at my calendar. How is it not still September right now??? The days feel slow, but the weeks are passing nearly imperceptibly.

In the oddest sense, I feel like that is both a test and a tender mercy. The days are long so that I can become long suffering. But the weeks and months are moving by quickly, bringing me closer and closer to my 19th birthday, when I will be eligible to serve as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Now there's something I want you to understand: Yes, I am going through significant emotional challenges at this time. I realize that this is something that I need to resolve before leaving on my mission and it's something that I've been sincerely working on. Though I've been a miserable complainer about it all, I want you (whoever you are) to know that I'm grateful for this mountain. I can feel myself changing. I can feel myself becoming stronger and more resilient. He will make my weakness a strength.

Last August I made a decision that has affected the course of my semester. The decision has brought me loneliness and sadness. However, I know that I made the right decision. Regardless of all the hurt that it has caused, taking this new step in my life on my own has helped me gain a testimony. Where before I would immediately turn to one source for my peace and comfort, I have now had to rely completely on my testimony. That made me realize how much I had neglected it. People, I now have a firm testimony. I know that prayer is direct communication with God because I have felt His presence and received answers. I know that the Atonement is real because I have seen it change me. I know the Book of Mormon is a true testament of the Savior Jesus Christ.

And there you have it, yet another jumbled and honest post from Sarah.

Much love for you all.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

I've been fighting this heart break for nine months. I've been fighting depression since I was ten. And in my imperfect, mortal perspective, I just want to know when I'll be happy. 

God listens to prayers. He hears me. He cares about me. He loves me.  I know and believe that, and it's one of the only things that keeps me going. He's given me answers, but they're not the answers that I want. I'm trying to reconcile my will to His. I know He has a plan for me. I wish I knew what it was, but I know that that would interfere with the growth I'm going through now. 

I haven't really figured out what I'm trying to say, so I'll end with this: however long and hard the road, I will make it through. Prayers and loves are much appreciated.

(More posts, good posts, to come later.)