Monday, December 3, 2012

Mid November, I pulled out my desk calendar to find that I hadn't crossed off any days since mid October. Today I glanced at it again to find that today is apparently November 18th.

Most mornings I wake up wondering how I'm going to make it through the day. I feel weak and tired and lonely at 3:30 am. It's hard to temper my thoughts while struggling to get dressed in the darkness. It's cold. And dark. Yet somehow I find myself here every night--back in my apartment. Naturally I'm tired and exhausted from a long day of projects and feelings, but I made it through. And somehow I made it through about twenty days without even looking at my calendar. How is it not still September right now??? The days feel slow, but the weeks are passing nearly imperceptibly.

In the oddest sense, I feel like that is both a test and a tender mercy. The days are long so that I can become long suffering. But the weeks and months are moving by quickly, bringing me closer and closer to my 19th birthday, when I will be eligible to serve as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Now there's something I want you to understand: Yes, I am going through significant emotional challenges at this time. I realize that this is something that I need to resolve before leaving on my mission and it's something that I've been sincerely working on. Though I've been a miserable complainer about it all, I want you (whoever you are) to know that I'm grateful for this mountain. I can feel myself changing. I can feel myself becoming stronger and more resilient. He will make my weakness a strength.

Last August I made a decision that has affected the course of my semester. The decision has brought me loneliness and sadness. However, I know that I made the right decision. Regardless of all the hurt that it has caused, taking this new step in my life on my own has helped me gain a testimony. Where before I would immediately turn to one source for my peace and comfort, I have now had to rely completely on my testimony. That made me realize how much I had neglected it. People, I now have a firm testimony. I know that prayer is direct communication with God because I have felt His presence and received answers. I know that the Atonement is real because I have seen it change me. I know the Book of Mormon is a true testament of the Savior Jesus Christ.

And there you have it, yet another jumbled and honest post from Sarah.

Much love for you all.

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