Monday, September 23, 2013

:)

Hi.

I don't know what to say.

My life has kind of been all over the place, but I'm happy. Sometimes I'm not sure I fully comprehend what I've gotten myself into. That's where faith comes in, right? When I think about how much my life has changed in the past 18 months, and how much I've matured, and the many difficult and stretching experiences I've had, it feels overwhelming. Yet, March of my senior year? It seems like yesterday. 

The past 18 months have been some of the hardest and most rewarding of my life. I know that the next 18 will be the same, except at a more accelerated rate. While I'm gone, I hope you remember my testimony. The good news of the Gospel is that Christ is our Savior and he performed a perfect Atonement, he died on our behalf, and now he lives for us. Because of Jesus Christ, we can return to live in the presence of God. The Church is true, and it provides everything we need to endure faithfully to the end.

You can see mission updates on my new blog, sistercrandall.blogspot.com, or email me at scrandall@myldsmail.net. I love you all so dearly.

Sister Crandall :)

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

"happiness is an inside job."

I saw that quote on the Lehi Fort Knox Storage sign. I couldn't agree more:)

This post is semi-related to the quote, but also includes some of my thoughts and feelings one week before entering the MTC:

When we truly understand the purpose of life, the trials placed before us become opportunities. "This life is the time for men to prepare to meet God." Everything we experience is preparatory to our returning to His presence. The way we deal with our challenges influences our progress and conversion. When we really understand that, we can be of good cheer knowing that our trials make us more like God.

The past few weeks have been really difficult for me because of the things and people I've given up. I finally realized why it's so frustrating to me. I've been babysitting nearly three or four times a week for this lady in my ward, and I love her life. I love her kids, her home, her situation, everything. I want so badly to be a wife and a mother! And it was right in front of me! It was in my grasp, but I let it go.

Why? Because I want to serve a mission. I want to prepare for motherhood. I want to serve God! I want these experiences. Because I prayed about it and it felt right. Because I don't think I'm ready, and because even though he's an amazing guy, I don't think it's right. The past few weeks have been hard because I'm human, and I feel human things. I'm so grateful that the atonement can heal us from every mortal weakness. In fact, Christ's perfect atonement and resurrection heal us from mortality!

Despite all of the difficult thinking and decision making and reaffirming I've gone through, I have never been happier in my life :) I feel no regret. I know that I made the right decision and I know that I will be a wonderful missionary because I am worthy of guidance from the Holy Ghost. I'm grateful for everything I have ever gone through that has brought me to this point.

In six and a half days, I will enter the Provo MTC, set apart as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I testify that nothing will bring you more happiness than serving God :)

Monday, September 16, 2013

nine days:)

TODAY I GOT ANOTHER EMAIL. SERIOUSLY, IS THIS HOW GIRLS FEEL EVERY WEEK THEY GET AN EMAIL FROM THEIR MISSIONARY??? THIS IS AWESOME. After going on lots of dates and being in two relationships over the past year, I've realized how kick-butt my high school sweetheart was. Even though we went 9 months without speaking, I'm so grateful that he's responded to my emails these past two weeks. I can't say that I love him, and I definitely don't want to be trunky...but I'm so excited to hear about his mission experiences. He's the same person, except so much better at the same time.

Anyway, I have nine days left until I leave on my own mission! I am so excited:) Yesterday was my first of two farewells. I said goodbye to my two best friends. Jenna is going to be married to Andrew in December in the Manti Temple. I couldn't be happier or more proud! Clarissa is leaving on her own mission next month in Charlotte, North Carolina. I look forward to being reunited with her at her homecoming:)

Sisters in Zion
It's strange saying goodbye to the people who mean so much to me, but I feel filled with the faith to move mountains. I'm not afraid or anxious or sad anymore. I'm excited for the ways our relationships will progress. I've been attending Young Women's the past few weeks, and the lesson was on tithing. I commented that God is willing to give us everything that he has! (See the Oath and Covenant of the Priesthood, D&C 84.) To be willing to give up everything we have is a quality of godliness. He asks for 10% of our income, but for all of our will. God wants all of us, all of the time. The other 90% that we keep should be used to build up the Kingdom of God. That includes providing for our temporal needs, bettering ourselves with education, and donating to charity. When you truly want to give all of yourself to God, it feels amazing. The Church is true, and I am so blessed to be able to turn my life to Him for the next 18 months:)

Monday, September 9, 2013

YAY SEPTEMBER!!!

I GOT AN EMAIL.
I GOT AN EMAIL.
I GOT AN EMAIL.

Seriously nothing could ruin this day.

SDGPOAIJSER;A LKWJDOASIDJVOEAWGF.

YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY.

YAYYYYY!!!!!!! :) :)

Sunday, September 8, 2013

yay september.

He kept asking why he needed to apologize to me, and I guess "my feelings were hurt" isn't reason enough. Maybe he did the right thing--but in doing the right thing, my heart was broken. He could apologize if he wanted to. I mean, I apologized to him for my faults. And then he pointed out my other faults, which I also apologized for.

So I ended the call and ran to my good friend, President Eyring.

"Many of you have felt fear in approaching someone you have offended or who has hurt you...I challenge you to go for the Lord to someone, despite any fear you may have, to extend love and forgiveness. I promise you that as you do, you will feel the love of the Savior for that person and His love for you, and it will not seem to come from a great distance."

I still love him, but differently. And that's enough to let me move on. I don't want to be with someone who is always right. I want a relationship based on apologies and forgiveness, patience, kindness, love. And I want to be ready first. (Which includes serving my mission.)

I don't know who he is yet, but he will be a lucky guy to have me :)

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

twenty-two days left!

Sorry for angsty posts. What can I say? I'm still a teenager ;)


Right now my life consists of completing my pre-mission to do list. It's harder than ever to stay focused, especially since I wish I was starting classes like most of my friends are. Can't everyone in the world put their lives on hold for the next 18 months and 22 days? I wonder if other missionaries feel this way, too. It seems like everyone but me is partying, dating, working, and studying. I think it's a tender mercy that I'm able to leave so soon. September 25th can't come fast enough!

Also, here's something to chew on: Fear is a tool of the adversary, not God. God will use godly sorrow or remorse to lead us to action, or He'll use a stupor of thought; however, God will not use fear to show us that we're on the wrong path. I've been excited, but also scared out of my mind. Am I actually capable of doing this? Did I make the right decision? Yes, because "God hath not given [me] the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." I feel this most strongly when I am in the temple, without the influence of the devil. I have power because of my temple covenants. I am serving a mission because of the love I have for God and His glory. I have a sound mind because of the mental and emotional preparation I've done.



Saturday, August 17, 2013

The only exception.


whoever took this picture should win a prize.

Hi Lonso, it's been one year without you. Can you believe how much life I've lived in 365 days? And I haven't gone one day without thinking about you. I'm grateful for the things you taught me, and I'm grateful for the things I've learned without you. I hope more than anything that you are happy :)

Thursday, August 15, 2013

it's time to watch Tangled again

He sent me a text message about how he still needed to break up with me. The message was intended for another recipient.

#awkward

And so, for the second time this summer, a boy has used his cell phone to break up with me. I don't really know what to make of it except: why can't other people see what I see in myself? I think I'm worth it. I think he's wrong. I think I need more ice cream.

Monday, August 12, 2013

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me!


I have been called to serve in the Virginia Richmond Mission, speaking English, leaving September 25th. I am beyond excited to begin my service :) This place is perfect for me. I love the East, I spent time in Virginia last May, and I'll get there right in time to see the leaves change color. In addition, I'll enjoy both the Relief Society Broadcast and General Conference in the MTC! 


On Saturday I was endowed with power from on high in the Manti, Utah Temple. It was the best day of my life. I have never felt more complete and beautiful. I was a little anxious the few hours leading up to my endowment, but I felt overwhelming peace the second I stepped into God's holy home. No matter where you are in life, make a temple worthy life your number one goal.

I believe that sanctification is to be filled with whatever is that you need to endure to the end. I feel full. I feel happy and peaceful and beautiful. I'm not perfect, but I know how to improve.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the only true and living church on the earth. It was restored through the Prophet Joseph Smith. Thomas S. Monson is the Prophet that leads our church today. The Book of Mormon is a true record of Christ's visitation to his "sheep" in the Americas. The temple is truly the house of the Lord. He is there, and He lives.

Thursday, August 8, 2013



When someone is going through a storm, your silent presence is more powerful than a million empty words.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

The Long Story.

Welcome to my blog! :)

Here is the secret you've been dying to know ;) For months, I've told people that I need to wait to serve a mission because of "medical issues." So I'll just throw it out there: I struggled with depression between the ages of 10 and 16 as a result of being bullied. In addition, during my senior year, I had an eating disorder and lost 30 lbs. I haven't had any major problems with either in over a year.

Also, I had a hard time deciding how to share this information...people are generally curious, and I don't have a problem opening up. However, I don't want to come off as wanting attention. I'm a very happy girl and I've been given far more blessings than I deserve! (Especially my parents, who have been my biggest fans since day 1.)

Anyway...

When I submitted mission papers in February, I had to get a psychological evaluation from LDS Family Services. My doctor cleared me of all past challenges and said that I was ready for missionary service. After waiting for five or six weeks, the Mission Department told me that because of the eating disorder I needed to wait until January 2014 to submit mission papers. The Mission Department also advised meeting with a counselor from LDS Family Services again.

I met with a second counselor in May, and he gave me a similar recommendation, saying that I was ready to serve. I brought both recommendations before my Bishop and Stake President. We decided that the best thing to do was to resubmit my papers. They went in on July 5. On July 26, after three weeks of waiting, I was informed that I would be receiving my call. Today, August 1, I received my call in the mail!!!

I am incredibly grateful for my doctors, Bishop, and Stake President. (Right now my Bishop is in the hospital being treated for a serious motorcycle accident. Please pray for his quick recovery!) I feel very blessed to have the opportunity to serve as a missionary for the restored Church of Jesus Christ. I know that he is my Savior. I don't have to be perfect because he is. :)

And I love you all for cheering me on. :)

so much happiness.

is this really happening???

:)

cute faces I sometimes make.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

I think I'll go with Plan A :)

So this has kind of been my life for the past two months:

Plan A--Receive a mission call, sell my contract, and move back home. Be endowed in the temple. Volunteer with Lehi Debate and maybe get a part-time job. Reread the entire Bible, Book of Mormon, Pearl of Great Price, and Doctrine and Covenants. 

Plan B--Not receive a mission call, and stay in Provo. Complete another semester of school. Continue working as a custodian in the JFSB. Decide whether or not serving a mission is still right for me. Consider applying to the strategy program.

The wait has been very confusing for me, especially since I was told that I couldn't submit papers until January. I felt some stress, but knew that ultimately it was in God's hands. My Stake President texted me on Friday to let me know that the Mission Department decided I'm ready to go! I'm waiting to hear that my call has been assigned. I'm expecting to receive it within the next week or two!! :)

Ready to take on the world. (And invite others to come unto Christ.)

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Yay life.

I'm pretty sure I haven't blogged the entire month of July. I have four or five saved posts, but nothing quite describes the way I feel or the things I've been through. Summer has been good to me, overall, but I am definitely exhausted from 14 consecutive months of classes. My mission papers have been in (again) for 20 days now, and I'm not sure whether or not I'll receive a call. Technically they're not supposed to be in. I'm also sort of dating a guy but things are up in the air because I might possibly be moving back home in four weeks and then preparing to go on a mission. I have a job and classes for the fall, but my life is kind of hinging on the mission department at the moment. I'm incredibly confused, as usual, but I've been generally happy.

If any of you know what I should do with my life, kindly share. I'm running out of ideas ;)

Saturday, June 29, 2013

For Mom.

Dearest Mama Lor,

You would be really proud of the decision I made today.

I, Sarah Crandall, dropped a class. I dropped a class that I really don't want to take. And I know I'll need to take it eventually, but I definitely don't want to take it now. It's called "ISYS 201 - Intro to Information Systems Management." I die a little just thinking about it. The reading for this weekend was 40 pages long. 8.5 x 11 sized pages. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to open the 250 page packet. There is absolutely no way I'm going to spend my summer reading all of this stuff about excel and databases and instances and attributes and entities. The class itself is over two and a half hours long, in the late afternoon when I want to be sleeping. NO THANK YOU. 

So yeah, I dropped the class and it feels so good:) I'll keep the packet and book ($40) and save it for when I can actually stomach the course material without dying. (Probably after the mission.)

Instead, I'm going to take D&C. And I couldn't be more excited:)

LOVE,

Rah

Well friends. I haven't written in ten days and I feel like I should blog again. (I've really slacked in my blogging goals for the month of June.) I don't really know what else to say...so I guess I'll share a few things that I know:

Jesus Christ suffered and died for our sins and shortcomings.
Jesus Christ lives.
Jesus Christ is our Savior and Redeemer.
God is our loving Father in Heaven.
The only way to have true joy is to keep the commandments.
The only way to return to Heavenly Father (and to be like Him) is to have Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, repent of our sins, be baptized in Christ's name by immersion, receive the gift of the Holy Ghost, and endure to the end through covenant-making and -keeping.
Joseph Smith saw God and Jesus Christ.
Joseph Smith was a prophet of God who opened this great and last dispensation.
Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon by the power of God.
The Book of Mormon is a record of God's children in the ancient Americas and Christ's visitation to his "other sheep."
Joseph Smith restored the true church.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is God's true church.
Thomas S. Monson is God's prophet today.

Read the scriptures. Go to church. Keep the commandments. Get on your knees and know.

Aaand because I love America, here is a picture of me in DC:


 I love love love you all so much:)

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

a long one for the ones who care.

Well friends, Spring Term at BYU been an amazing journey for Sarah Kala Crandall.

Here's what I know you've all been dying to hear:

He broke up with me. 
Over text message. 
The day before my birthday. 

Will someone please justify my feelings so that I can feel validated? Thank you.

In dating and losing him, I've learned a few things. First, it is possible to have feelings for another person. Second, I will never ever date anyone who isn't absolutely crazy about me ever again. 

Boyfriend #1 was crazy about me. He gave me everything he could. Our relationship was incredibly deep. No longer was it cutesy and fun...love is hard, hard work. We were a powerhouse couple, and a great team. Boyfriend #2 liked me, and we did genuinely care about each other, but towards the end I could feel him pulling away. We didn't have much time to develop a strong relationship. So in losing Boyfriend #2, it's made me miss Boyfriend #1 again. I can't believe how lucky I was to have someone that in love with me. It's disappointing to know that we broke up at a time when we were both going through major health challenges. We weren't ourselves. However, I don't regret our separation. I've learned so much in the past ten months that I couldn't have learned otherwise. I'm so proud of his decision to faithfully serve a mission and I know that he is exactly where he is supposed to be.

In a similar manner, I know that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be: In Provo, making friends, working hard, preparing for a mission, and continuing my education. (Although that last part is really starting to wear on me.)

Besides that, my heart is still big and full and warm and happy. Every day, I have to make a decision. Do I let the constant rejection make me cold? No. I was given the spiritual gift of love for a reason--to bless the lives of others. I will love love love no matter what.

I know that God has a plan for me, including a wonderful husband. Being the planner that I am, it can be frustrating to not know who he is yet. But I'm sure that he will be everything I deserve and more. As for right now, I have the most amazing family on this side of the universe and I look forward to finding more ways to serve them. I know that one of the best ways that I can bless my family is to serve an honorable full-time mission.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

sanctification

That horrible moment when you realize you’re not enough.

I have been living far below my potential. I have emotionally closed myself off from my best friends. I haven’t been reading my scriptures diligently nor doing the things that I know I need to do to prepare for my mission. I’m slacking in my classes. I go to bed every night knowing that I didn’t do all that I could have, or should have. Where does the time go???

Last night while praying, I felt the comfort and peace that I’ve been missing for so long. Moroni 8:26 says, “Because of meekness and lowliness of heart cometh the visitation of the Holy Ghost, which Comforter filleth with hope and perfect love.” That’s what it means to be sanctified—to be filled with the love of Jesus Christ. It cleanses us by purging our desires and replacing them with God’s will. Once you’ve given your life to God, you can’t turn back. It’s all or nothing. It’s a painful—yet healing—process. To be wholly aligned to His will is complete conversion.


On my own I’m not enough. But because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I’m not on my own.

Saturday, June 1, 2013

The days have been sunny for Sarah :)

I have been so so so overwhelmingly blessed and loved.

I love my job. I love my coworkers. I love love love BYU. My professors are fantastic. My classes are worthwhile. My roommates are thoughtful. The temple is true. I couldn't ask for a better family. Provo sure is a beautiful place to be. I love June and the sun and life and love and people. I love smiling. And I know that all of the people in my life are lucky to have me in theirs.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

more things you probably didn't know about me.


I cry when I watch Mommy-themed Olympics commercials
I cry when I watch Mormon Messages
And apparently, I cry when I go to the National Archives
My favorite book is “Jane Eyre”
I never thought that Ethan Craft was attractive
My family used to own a dog named Taizo
If MoTab isn’t playing in the background, I can’t sleep at night
My senior prom dress and I are never ever ever getting back together…it is WAY too small
Rain almost always makes me sad—I dislike that about myself
I watched “Becoming Jane” three days in a row after the first time I saw it
Sometimes I pray while looking at the moon (it’s not weird)
If Lindsay names a daughter Matilda before I do…there will be consequences
My all-time favorite song (since 8th grade) is “You and Me” by Lifehouse
I only ever use milk as a means to an end
In the winter, I go as loooong as possible without shaving
It’s been about five and a half years since I last had chocolate
Even though I’m quarter Asian, I’m white because of the aforementioned random fact
I only know one guy who can cut his hair and still look good (besides my Dad)
When I was younger, people said I looked like a porcelain doll
Love love love debate, but hate arguing
Speaking of debate, my coach still has my grad announcement on his fridge
I dyed my hair red, no one noticed, and it washed out after a week
I passed AP Bio, but my little sister scored higher than me
For my birthday, all I want is a new set of the standard works


Oh, and I love you :)
but hopefully you already knew that.
(Especially you, Mom.)

Monday, May 27, 2013

2817


Moving is like moving on from something or someone. I boxed up the memories and walked through the ghostly empty rooms. Everything was gone and over and finished. As I walked through the front door for the last time, my heart ached for the things I have lost. Moving is like moving on because you have no other choice. It can be easy or hard, but it doesn't matter because you have to do it either way. I glanced back while driving away, knowing that I’ll never go back. I can drive by, just like how I can listen to the old songs or look through the old pictures, but I can’t go back.

Then I arrived in Provo, and felt home again. I'm so blessed to be here.

Monday, May 20, 2013

this girl loves you.



The best and worst thing about me is my heart. I just naturally love and care about people. A friend once described my heart as being giant chunks that I can’t help but drop everywhere I go. It spills out all over the place and gets onto everyone and everything. I have a tendency to throw myself at people. I trust far too easily. I have a hard time saying goodbye, letting go, and moving on. People quickly forget me, but I can’t make myself give up. I fight and fight until I become a broken mess of miserable loneliness. To protect myself, I burn bridges and build walls. But I never stop loving. It’s more painful than I even know how to put into words.

Yet it’s also the greatest blessing—to be able to love so deeply and willingly. In fact, I think it’s a spiritual gift. I would rather feel everything as intensely as I do than be apathetic.

And so, if you're reading this, please know that I love you. I'm crazy, controlling, emotional, and not always the best friend that I could be. Please forgive my shortcomings and know that no matter what, I won't give up on you.

Friday, May 10, 2013

What???

May is already one third over? I'm not even finished with April yet! Every day feels so long but the weeks are passing quickly.

I've finally accepted my answer: my next big step is waiting eight months to submit my mission papers. 

After being told to wait, I kept praying for a direction. What do I do now? What's my next step? What does God have in store for me? I received a consistent answer--one that I didn't like. I have a lot of extra time to prepare. The changes I'll make over the next eight months won't come quickly, but will be  line upon line, precept upon precept. I wish I could do something big, like build a school in Africa or spend a semester abroad or change the world. But that's not my answer. The big thing I'll be doing is waiting a big amount of time.

But I dislike thinking of it as waiting. I'm not waiting. I'm preparing. I'm becoming better. I'm doing the small and simple things every day that will bring about great things in the future. 

I'm adjusting to a south-of-campus ward. I'm working part time cleaning the JFSB. I'm taking eight credits. I'm having companion study with my roommate. I'm going to the temple regularly. I'm hopefully influencing others for good. Moving forward with my life will help me overcome my anxiety, become long suffering, learn how to be hard working, invite the Holy Spirit, and prepare for full-time missionary service. When I think about how much I've changed in the past seven months since the mission age change announcement, I'm excited to see what I will be like in eight more months.

I'm praying praying praying, desperately trying to align my will with His.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

It was a strange day for the UCRP.

Today I attended my second convention as a delegate for the Utah County Republican Party! First of all, let us all take a few moments to appreciate how cute I looked. This is future politician material right here!



Next, we are going to stare lovingly at the wonderful sight of the political process in action! Please note the beautiful American flags lining the walkway <3


Now, this is what actually happened: the day carried on with meeting candidates, honoring veterans, hearing speeches, and casting an informed ballot for party officers and State Central Committee members. And yes, I did again meet Jason Chaffetz. I reminded him that I am his biggest fan and he let me know that he's excited to give me a tour of Capitol Hill in ten days.


It was a strange day for the UCRP because of the results of the election. The new party chair is Casey Voeks, a 24-year-old who runs the Space Center and never attended college, but headed the Mia Love campaign. The office of vice party chair was won by Daryl Acumen, an African American nonmember from back East. Those two definitely do NOT fit the typical "old white men" stereotype of the GOP. Well, I guess as an 18-year-old girl who's quarter Asian, I don't quite fit the bill either :)

For the information of my precinct members: I voted for both Daryl and Casey. I liked the enthusiasm they brought to the table, especially in wanting to attract the youth vote. As a part of the rising generation, I want to help more college students become actively involved in politics. Additionally, I feel that a lot more could be done to improve on the use of social media and current data, things which both new officers seem capable of. (Of course there are many more reasons, and I would love for you to contact me if you have any questions!)

Also, the new members of the State Central Committee that are representing Senate Districts 11 & 13 are David Lifferth, Heather Williamson, Becky Pirente, and Melissa Gonzalez. (Only these four were present, and I feel confident in having all of them represent me.)

I'm grateful for the caucus system in Utah that enables informed and invested citizens to work closely with candidates to ensure that our party produces the best nominees possible! I would encourage every Utah voter to learn more about how the caucus system works and why it needs to be protected.

Friday, May 3, 2013

My Makua

My classes for spring term are MCom, Mission prep, and Marketing. I really enjoy the alliteration. :) But do you know what my favorite M-word is?

Mom.

This is a shout out to the woman who has done everything for me. (Including a live birth!) Thank you dearest Mommy for loving me unconditionally. Thank you for the home cooked meals, early curfew, strict discipline, and family scripture study sessions at 6 every morning. Thank you for attending my state debate competition, too many orchestra concerts, and billions of hula shows. Out of four girls, I'm the one who looks most like her. I am so lucky!!! 

My Mom also gives the best hugs! <3


Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Hi I'm still alive :)

Friends and family, 

I apologize for being MIA this past month! Lots and lots has been going on:

I dated an amazing guy.
I fried my finals and earned a 4.0.
I moved back home.
I moved back out.
I climbed a tree and got a scar on my arm.
I got a job.
I learned how to whistle.
I started new classes.
I gave up on trying to wear make up every day.
I attended a wedding.
I met some candidates.
I stayed up way too late.
I bought a billion books at the DI.
I baked cheesecake cookies.
I said goodbye to people I love.
I had dinner with my grandpa.
I hugged Elder Baxter of the seventy.
I hugged a lot of people.
I cried because that's what I do.

AND, most importantly, I gained a stronger testimony of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The Gospel is true. I'm grateful for a loving Father in Heaven who has a plan for me, even when it's not what I had in mind for myself. 

(The temple and Book of Mormon and MoTab are also true.)

Floating lanterns are likewise true.

Pause

I knew this day was coming, but I didn't know it would be so hard to say goodbye. I don't think I have ever cried as desperately as I did while in my car driving home at two last night. I didn't know sadness could be so loud. 

But I also didn't know that happiness could be so real. I didn't know it was possible to fall in love again.  You taught me what it means to be treated with kindness and respect. Never in my life have I been given so much careful attention. I understand now what I deserve and what I can expect. Thank you for teaching me those things.

I miss you, Peter.



Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Paper Cranes


Do you see this good looking guy right here?? This one with the hazel brown eyes and adorable smile? Today he went with me to unforum. Afterwards, he waited for me to take my Spanish oral exam so we could walk home together. Then he trolled me for forever while we played the beetle game. (I won again, despite anything he says.) When we got to his apartment, he made me paper cranes. He said that the smaller they are, the cuter they are. I agree :) I'm pretty sure I have the cutest cranes in the whole world now. I am so lucky :)


Monday, April 15, 2013

It's a wonderful life.

Life after high school is terrifyingly real. Last year and the years before I'd make plans. I knew exactly what I was going to be and where I was headed. Now it seems like I've finally figured out what I truly, desperately want: I want to be Christlike. The decisions before me are difficult and full of lasting consequences. But I know that as long as my end goal is to become like my Savior, then everything will fall into place. It's different this time, because I feel like my life plan has been frustrated and I haven't been given a new direction. Yet I believe that if I press forward with faith, God will reveal His plan for me in His timing.

Until then, I'll be enjoying my time with my wonderful boyfriend, preparing to serve a mission next spring, and continuing my education at Brigham Young University.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Will someone please explain to me why Minnesota is 1300 miles away??? I can't believe how good he is to me. He is so genuinely compassionate and one of the most selfless people I've ever met. He's smart and hard working and intensely faithful. I've never had this much fun in my whole life. Every little thing about him is my favorite. I am so blessed, yet so greedy: I desperately long for more time and less distance.

Other beautiful things in my life:

General Conference was amazing--"hope on."
My hair is finally beginning to feel long again
Themple Thursday
Spring and Summer terms
One month until Washington DC!
Merrie Monarch competition
Climbing trees and earning scars
Late night swinging
Preparing to apply to the business school
The rain outside.

Friday, April 5, 2013

well worth the wait


I finally realize why it didn't work out earlier with anyone else. I know now why I needed to wait. 

Is this even normal? He says the kindest things and means them. He thinks before he speaks. Is it normal for people who are dating to go on dates?? I don't think he realizes how nice it is to be treated nicely. I am one lucky girl and I have been blessed tremendously. 

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

"I matter."


So I matter now…

It got a little awkward there—those eight or more years when I would wake up every morning loathing my existence. I was in complete despair. I drowned in anxieties and insecurities and imperfections and deviations from the norm. I was meaningless. I didn’t understand that life was happy. I knew it was supposed to be, and that only made me feel guilty for the hatred and self-harm that took place in my cold heart. I was my worst enemy. I remember the hopeless mornings in front of the mirror and the fridge and then there was me, just awkwardly waiting for the moment when it would all end. I was weak and vulnerable and impressionable. People stepped all over me, rejected me, but largely ignored me. I isolated myself all those lonely days in the library eating carrot sticks or a nutrigrain bar.

Counting counting counting because that was the only thing that made sense. My steps, the calories, the times he told me he didn’t love me anymore. The number of people who became strangers to me. My weight, ACT score, GPA, grades. The dwindling number of friends who still liked talking to me. The hair that was falling out. My waistline. Counting and counting and stressing and being sad for far too long. That was my life, and it was worthless.

Now I count my blessings, and now I know I matter.

Monday, April 1, 2013

I didn't know it was possible to feel this way again--beautiful, wanted. I thought trust was something I should be afraid of, yet it makes me feel warm and secure.  How nice it is to be treated like I matter. It's confusing and scary, considering the short amount of time remaining, but I wouldn't trade it for those lonely nights. Every fear I have is more than compensated for with happiness.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

My two cents on the pending Supreme Court ruling.


"WE WARN that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.
WE CALL UPON responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society."
I might as well have bolded the entire thing. This is what the Prophets have said. Unless new revelation is received that changes this, then I stand with The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Furthermore, I do not believe that God would reveal a change to His standard for families, considering that the family unit is an eternal principle. 
I don't just oppose "gay marriage," I support the family as God intended it to be. It's not bashing, it's not hating, it's supporting and loving and sustaining what the Prophets have taught. I look forward to General Conference in a week and a half, where I will have the opportunity to once again sustain the Prophets and hear the messages they have to share with the world.
(For further reading, I'd suggest the February Ensign article about showing tolerance while upholding truth.)

Monday, March 25, 2013

600 miles

As much as I like having you here, it's different trying to blog to an audience when I blogged to no one through all of high school. Here goes me:


Sometimes I wonder if I could ever cry it all out. As if with every tear I could shed a piece of us. I don’t want it. The memories, or the scars, or anything. The haunting, fighting words. Songs and special looks. Chocolate and vanilla. It’s disgusting to me. And every day is a constant battle—trying to let go but so desperately holding on to what we were supposed to be.

And then him. I have never been so hopeful, yet so afraid of trust. It's confusing and frustrating like I've never before known. I don't know how to be or how to even understand what's happening.

I hope that made sense the way it did in my head.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Begin Again


Today was a good day to be Sarah. In fact, this whole week so far has been better than I deserve. I'm in love with my life. I have been blessed with a wonderful family and great friends.

I also scored 94% on my econ 110 test, which will likely be curved even higher. Yay for sealing the deal on another quarter of my grade:) 

I don't know what else to say, except that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true. The good news of the gospel is that Christ lives again, and that he loves us. If you haven't figured this out for yourself yet, then get on your knees and know.

That is all. Loves! (Especially for you, Mom.)

Monday, March 18, 2013

I hope they call me on a mission!

Well, it's been another crazy week for Sarah Kala Crandall. 

My mission call has yet to be assigned. Today is day nineteen of waiting, and I have at least nine more to go. Unless if my call isn't assigned this Friday, in which case I'll have to wait longer.

I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I feel a hit to my self esteem. I feel inadequate, and unworthy of being called to serve a mission. Why else would my call be delayed longer than the prescribed "two to three weeks?" I know I have a couple medical concerns. I had to have a second evaluation, where I was told I might not able to serve until August or September. 

So much anxiety. Way too much time to feel it all in me.

I also know that these kinds of thoughts aren't from the Holy Spirit. His messages to me are kind, uplifting, and full of light and truth. I'm trying so hard to focus a particle of faith on a belief of my individual and infinite worth. This is definitely my biggest weakness, and I hope that it will someday be a strength.

Other happenings: I performed in spring sing (wooooo?), scored well on a business finance test, had lunch with some good friends today, took an outdoor nap over the weekend, and I'm looking forward to lots of happy times as I finish out my second semester at the Y!

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Because I am the sun.

Kala.

It's the direct Hawaiian translation for Sarah. It also is the Hawaiian word for money, which is cool. BUT, if you separate it, it means the sun. Ka la. I think that matches me, and I love it. I love the beach. And the Beach Boys. I love summer and especially early summer morning sunrises. I love Sunny D. I love hiking, swing sets, and picnics. I love outdoor naps. I love the sun sun sun. And I am proud to have a name somewhat related to it.

Other sunny things in my life:

My mission papers have been in for a week
We learned futuro y futuro condicional en mi clase de espanol
I have a date this weekend
My family is great
I went to a mission prep fireside with Pres. Samuelson
I'm doing very well in all of my classes
FHE this Sunday
Yummy birthday cake is forthcoming
Being like a wok--a non-stick surface
I have housing set up for spring

And most importantly, feeling happy happy happy. And not worrying about feeling sad again.  Feeling sad is inevitable, for everyone. So why should I let that interfere with my happiness now? I am the sun because I am bright and happy and I owe it all to the restored gospel of Jesus Christ.
Yesterday I did something for myself. I said "no" to the person who said "no" to me. They took advantage of me at a time when I was vulnerable and heart broken, and they even shamelessly admitted to it. Fast forward to now, and there they were again, asking for something from me. This, of course, after months of no contact. Something about my integrity and self worth restrained me. I politely declined and walked away.

I love myself. I've gone through years of hellish self-loathing, but now I love myself. 

I'm imperfect, and far below my potential. Yet I'm also beautiful, hard working, determined, and resilient. I'm powerfully strong. My heart is full of love and hope, not resentment. My experiences haven't made me bitter. I won't give up and I refuse to let myself become cold, only careful.

And if there was any question as to who I am, this is me finally being me.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

John 15:13


I got up at 3:45 to make breakfast for Clarissa. She works an early morning custodial job, and I wanted to surprise her. When I finished, I made a quick bathroom stop before heading back to bed. This is where I saw him. 

Mice, rollie pollie bugs, flies, whatever. I can handle that. But spiders? They are the most evil creature I have ever had the misfortune of coming into contact with. Just ask Amelia--bless her heart--who has killed multiple spiders for me over the years.

I couldn't just leave him there, right? He was in our bathroom closet! What if he crawled into Amanda's hair blow dryer? Someone's make-up supply? Or Q-tip box? Seriously. I had to take this spider down.

First, I could hardly see without my glasses or contacts. A pair of Clarissa's sat on the counter. I slipped them on and prepared myself with a giant wad of toilet paper and the trash can. Then I stared at the spider for the next five or so minutes. My heart was pounding incredibly hard. I heard Clarissa's alarm go off, her hit snooze, and go back to sleep. I was still paralyzed, too nervous to make a preemptive strike. 

(I'm not even lying about this. I really did just stand there and stare at the spider for a couple minutes, trying to work up the courage to do something.)

The spider acted. In an instant he trans-located himself from the wall onto the shelf, hidden within the cords of a hair straightener. I squealed a little. (Which is pretty impressive, considering I felt like screaming.) In a moment of bravery I pulled the machinery away and swept the spider into the trashcan. I heard yet another squeaky-type yelp, which I assume came from my own mouth. 

My heart raced even faster. I reached into the trash bag and lifted up the tissue. ALIVE! The spider survived my attack and was coming at my with a vengeance. I tied that creamery grocery bag faster than I have ever tied anything ever in my entire life--and I guarantee you that there have probably been lots of other times that I've likely had to tie things really quickly. I can't name any such situations, but I'm sure they've happened.

I very methodically tripped through the dark hallway and tore open the closet door to obtain a second trash bag. There was no way I was going to let that spider hurt me or my roommates. (I tend to get pretty mama-bear over these ladies.) ANYWAY, Clarissa must have heard the little noise I was making, because she came out of her room asking who had died. 

I explained the situation. Especially why I was wearing her glasses. Freaked out a bit. Double bagged the spider. Ran out to the dumpster at 4:10 am. Hugged Clarissa. Went to bed. AND, finally fell asleep after I got over the creeper crawly feeling of thousands of spiders in my bed.

When Amanda and I got up this morning, I let her know about the circumstances of last night. She brushed it off! I almost DIED and she didn't care! She wouldn't have cared if I left the spider there! I reminded her of the scripture John 15:13 and she was all "whatever."

Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.

Love love love my girls <3 :)

Monday, February 25, 2013

Because I love econ:)

I love Econ 110. I really really do. As irrational as this is, given the horrible rumors surrounding this class, it's my absolute favorite. I love supply and demand. I love total and marginal and variable and fixed costs. Dr. Pope is a fantastic professor! He does this thing with his hands when he teaches, where it looks like he's about to punch someone in the face...with economics. He kind of reminds me of Mrs. Ingersoll from Lehi. He's straightforward, which is up there with the most wonderful character traits that anyone could ever have. I love how he let us watch Fiddler on the Roof in class. I love his stories about wall hanging things and utility gained from eating pizza. Econ 110 really is my favorite class, and probably the best one I've taken at BYU thus far.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Strategy??? And other updates.

I got roses for Valentine's Day:) That was very unexpected. And tomorrow is my 4th date of the semester! Which has GOT to be a record. Seriously. I remember my Dad telling me that guys can just tell when a girl is ready to go on dates. So I guess I am? Which leads to my next update...

He's gone. It's a little surreal. I feel like things are right back to where they were three years ago: strangers. It's probably better this way. I didn't have friends in 10th grade, but I knew who I was. I feel like I'm getting back to that. (Except now I have friends too.) I'm happy with the way things worked out. I've learned a lot that I couldn't have learned otherwise. 

My mission papers have yet to be submitted. They were supposed to go in yesterday, but my stake president advised getting one more doctor's evaluation first. He said this will ensure that they'll go through the first time with out any issues. I was a little disappointed, but I know that this will streamline the process. Now I won't need to worry about them coming back. Fingers crossed for next week??

New semester, new goals. I realize I'm a little late...but you can see them on my "goals" page:) Hold me accountable, okay?

AND NOW, strategy.

I'm a "pre-management" major right now, meaning that I hope to be accepted into the business school. I apply in June. Once accepted, I have to select an emphasis. The plan is to do organizational behavior and human resources. However, another emphasis has caught my eye: strategy. It's a very elite program. In order to study business strategy, I'll have to apply to the business school, be accepted, and then apply again to the strategy program. They take applications for strategy every October. Only 50 people are accepted each year! It's based on GPA and high school ACT. And since I fried the ACT, I'll definitely have an advantage. The business strategy program has the highest job placement rate in the Marriott School! Even higher than accounting! That and the average starting salary for a strategy major is about $30,000 more than OB/HR. Soooo my plan is to apply to business management OB/HR in June, defer, serve a mission, then apply to strategy in October of 2015. 

Wish me luck:)

Love you all.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Things you probably didn't know about me.



I love love love the South, especially Texas
One of my nicknames is Maggie and I'm still not sure why
I'm a county delegate for the Republican party
I super overuse the word "super"
Besides scriptures, I don't like re-reading books
I really miss grocery shopping with Mom
I was born three weeks early
My major is Mgmt. OB/HR, but I want to apply to the Strategy program
My eyes are gray, blue, and gold...not even kidding
I've seen every "That's So Raven" episode except for one
My dream honeymoon location is New Zealand
I always wear my hair down because I'm insecure about my ears
I'm an official member of the NFL--National Forensics League
Black, gray, and navy are my favorite colors
A copy of the Declaration of Independence is hanging on my wall
I love rollercoasters like crazy
My hair is half as long as I want it to be
I'm pretty good at flirting except for with a guy I'm interested in
I could eat rice with just about any meal
I think Darci is the prettiest out of my sisters and me
My socks rarely match
I own three copies of Machiavelli's "The Prince"
If my Bishop doesn't ask me to speak in church soon, I think I'll offer because...
I love public speaking!!!
Joseph is my boy name--I was a surprise gender baby
Obtaining a graduate degree is one of my biggest dreams
I considered going to Yale
I've started praying in Spanish every night

I love you all.
Happy Saturday!:)

:)


This past week, the power of God's love was manifested to me. I felt it when I talked with both of my grandmas on Valentine's Day. I felt it when talking with my parents and sisters. I felt it when I called my dear friend Jenna. I felt His love and aid while I prepared and took and scored well on two important tests.

Come Friday night, I could think of nothing better to do than show my appreciation for Him through temple worship. The temple is a beautifully sacred place. I am so grateful for the opportunity I have to be in the company of God the Father, His Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit while in His home. 

I try to attend once a week. I had the thought last night that I might be there only four more times before I am able to enter the rest of the temple and be endowed with power! Every day I am so grateful for the opportunity to serve a full time mission at the age of 19. 

That's all for now, loves. As my dear friend Elder Nicoll would say, "Have a happy week! You better, because I will be!"

Sunday, February 10, 2013


I had the most perfect weekend! 

I've sort of been dreading this day, because it's the day of his farewell. And I didn't attend. It was heart breaking, but I know I made the right decision. As such, God blessed me with wonderful experiences to soften and warm my heart. The pain is hardly there anymore. The Atonement is real. People love me and care about me. Life is excellent, and anything that tries to convince you otherwise is wrong.

Dance. Hula practice. Nap. Temple. Homework. Second nap. Spontaneous date. 25 new satisfied customers. Service. Church. Mission interview. Asian food. Mulan. Lots of new friends. Ward prayer. Smoothies night.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

remarkably blessed.

There were about three months last semester where I felt like I was drowning. When I think back to it, I can hardly remember what it felt like to be so low. I have gone through many wonderful changes. I have learned so much about myself, the Atonement, and grace. Today, I feel like telling you about the remarkable, sunny things of my life:

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
Sunny D and vanilla hot chocolate
Squeezing way too overripe bananas out of their peels like toothpaste with Clarissa
"Risk it for the biscuit!" --Sam
Ten satisfied customers from our "FREE HUGS" business
6 am hula practice every Saturday
Chinese New Year is this week--egg rolls, wontons, masman, kalua pork, rice, noodles
Being able to pray and bear my testimony en espanol
Watching devotional with Darci each week
Decorating my apartment for Valentines Day
"Am I wearing enough black? Is my hair big enough? Are my eyelashes long enough?"
Not doing homework on Sundays
Alma 26 and 2 Nephi 31
Reading "New Ideas from Dead Economists"
Teasing Amanda all day every day because we love her too much
Occasionally sleeping in
BYU BYU BYU
My Mommy purchased plane tickets for DC--I finally get my senior trip!
13 days until my mission papers are submitted

That's all for now.
My heart is overwhelmed with love for you.
Thank you for the prayers and friendship.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Last night.


This was me yesterday:)
Because I really can't hold myself together. Ever.
And today I just kept smiling.

Goodnight, friends!

Friday, January 25, 2013

I attended a conference for the BYU Women in Business club and the keynote speaker said that "when you seek for validation from the world, it will never be enough."

The girls who bullied me between 5th and 8th grade told me horrible things about myself. The friend group that ditched me in 9th grade made me feel so incredibly insignificant. Yet again, in 10th grade, another group of people decided I wasn't worth their time. And last year, the person who I thought was incapable of hurting me, broke my heart.

All the while I was receiving praise and popularity for my hard work and success. I was the president of four clubs, a member of two more, on student council, a sterling scholar, the top of the class, a speaker at graduation, and the recipient of a full tuition scholarship to the most competitive school in the state.

The world has had such conflicting messages for me. In many ways, I have been rejected over and over again. When I've tried so hard to be kind and patient and friendly, people have stepped all over me.  When I tried to fit in, I couldn't find a place. At the same time, the world has applauded my many successes. I've spent my whole life working as hard as possible to reach where I am. I don't think that anything has been handed to me. But still, what the world thinks of me is not enough, and it never will be.

Sometimes, I'm not even sure that I know what I think of myself.

I know what God thinks: He loves me, unconditionally and individually. He thinks I'm wonderful, regardless of the good and bad things the world has had to say about me. He thinks I'm beautiful and smart and kind. I am so important to Him. I know my Savior loves me. He "interposed his precious blood" to save me. He experienced the things that I've gone through so that he could succor me. I know my parents love me. My sisters and brother-in-law love me too. My grandparents, also, have been great, loving supports to me. I've found some truly wonderful friends here at BYU that genuinely care about me too.

I know those things, but it's harder to translate that into what I think and feel.

But I have hope. 

Monday, January 21, 2013


Wish You Were
Here, an aftertaste of traffic taints
the city’s breath, as mornings
yawn and bare this street
like teeth. Here, airplanes leaving
Heathrow scare this house
to trembling; these rooms protect
their space with outstretched walls,
and wait. And evenings fall
like discs in a jukebox, playing
a song called Here, night after night.
Wish you were. Your postcards
land in my hall like meteorites.

-Colette Bryce

Tuesday, January 15, 2013


I really shouldn't be as embarrassed about what happened, BUT I super am. I'm not desperate. I'm just bold. And awkward and weird. But beautiful too. Or else it wouldn't have happened, right? I'm not used to that kind of attention. I don't even know. This isn't making sense.

In other news, Sister Dalton came to BYU today! She's my hero. I have so much love in my heart for her! She said some truly wonderful things. I took about two pages of notes, and I can't wait until I can get a copy of her devotional. She reaffirmed my decision to serve a mission.

That's all.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Today I feel like Alma 26.


There's someone I've been trying to help for the longest time. I've cried, prayed, fasted, everything. I've tried talking to them, sharing scriptures, sharing spiritual experiences. My heart has been literally broken over this person.

And yesterday I received the call that everything I've put into this effort was all worth it.

I feel to praise and glory God--"I will boast of my God, for in His strength I can do all things."

He took my imperfect work and turned it into something beautiful. I "have been made an instrument in the hands of God to bring about this great work...Blessed be the name of our God; let us sing to his praise, yea, let us give thanks to his holy name, for he doth work righteousness forever."

I know that this person is "encircled about with the matchless bounty of his love; yea, and we have been an instrument in his hands of doing this great and marvelous work...I cannot say the smallest part which I feel."

"And we have suffered all manner of afflictions, and all this, that perhaps we might be the means of saving some soul...Now have we not reason to rejoice? Yea, I say unto you, there never were men that had so great reason to rejoice as we, since the world began."

"Now when our hearts were depressed, and we were about to turn back, behold, the Lord comforted us, and said: Go...and bear with patience thine afflictions, and I will give unto you success."

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true. I have never felt this more fervently than I do now. And I felt it stronger today than I did yesterday. And yesterday more so than the day before. Every day I learn more about the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ and every day I become more and more converted.

I have a testimony of missionary work. Any work that leads people to the temple is of absolute and eternal significance. I have a testimony of prayer, fasting, and fast offerings. When we show the Lord that His work is important to us, then He will bless us with success.

"Now this is my joy, and my great thanksgiving; yea, and I will give thanks unto my God forever."

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Thread of Faith




"abandoned and lost
unsure of my worth
until I found your grace
on Calvary's cross
you gave your life to save me
willingly
and now I know."

Friday, January 11, 2013




Sarah: I feel very pulled together right now!

Azya: Really? That's funny, because normally you're saying things like, "I'm a mess!"

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Elder Cook's seven ways to invite the spirit:

Sorry for three posts right in a row, but I have A LOT to say tonight.

In my home ward last week, it was announced that Elder Gene R. Cook, former seventy, would be teaching a two hour combined adult and youth lesson on scripture study. I looked at my mom, and we high-fived. I spent the next two hours fan-girling over all of the wonderful things he said. He shared 7 different ways to immediately invite the spirit.

1. Pray
2. Read the scriptures
3. Testify
4. Use the hymns
5. Express love and gratitude to God and man
6. Share spiritual experiences
7. If needed, seek a priesthood blessing

Yesterday, I was feeling overwhelmed about something. I played a MoTab song and immediately felt so much better. These methods work. They're simple, but it is by small and simple things that great things are brought to pass.

LOVES.

Por mis padres.

Honestly, my parents have done everything for me. Here's some evidence that my parents are fantastic people that you all should have the opportunity to meet:

They both have graduate degrees
Both work and are extremely dedicated to their careers
They read often
We held daily family scripture study
Daily family prayers
Family Home Evening every Monday
Regularly ate dinner together
My parents still go on dates once or twice a month
They go to the temple at least once a month, usually more
There are pictures of Christ and the temple all over my home
They are always available to talk
My dad tweets and instagrams

There you have it, an inexhaustive list as to why my parents rock.

Love you both:)