Tuesday, January 1, 2013

In 2012, I had three major goals: I wanted to be healthier, have a good self image, and work on being a better influence in the lives of others. I remember thinking that 2012 would be my year. I'd graduate, move out, and go to college. But in March, everything changed. My best friend was taken to the ER, and when he was finally out of the hospital, he was different. He had lost passion for a lot of the things in his life, including me. I was heartbroken. Between March and August, I went through multiple anxiety attacks. I desperately needed something that I could control. I ultimately lost twenty pounds and a lot of my self respect. In August I ended the relationship with my friend and I feel like I've almost fully moved on.

I remember feeling very confused at the start of the semester. My whole life plan had been frustrated. Everything that I had been counting on crashed and burned. I started to question my major and even choosing BYU. Dating seemed very weird to me. I'm too young to be married and all of the guys my age are leaving on missions. I worried about making friends and being able to handle the stress and depression.

I started praying praying praying. Going to the temple more often. Reading and studying the scriptures. I found safety and peace in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It was the only thing that made sense anymore. I learned that God had a better plan for me in mind, and even though I wasn't sure what it was yet, I knew it would bring me happiness.

In October, it was announced that sisters could begin missionary service at age 19. I had never originally planned on serving a mission. I sort of hoped that I'd be married at age 21. However, this announcement gave me the answer that I had been searching for.

Finally, I had a direction. This doesn't mean that the end of the year was without trial. From what I've heard from other girls, the adversary has been working so hard against every young woman with the desire to serve a mission. We are a powerful force of nature, and he is doing everything he can to stop us. Fortunately, I was blessed to find the most wonderful, caring, and compassionate friends. They have helped me in so many ways.

I started out the year feeling on top of the world, ready for any challenge. I was humbled by the trials I experienced. Yet I still end the year 2012 feeling as if I came out on top. Life is hard, but it is also beautiful and magical and instructive and perfectly what it is supposed to be. I wouldn't have wanted 2012 to be any other way. The God I worship has a tremendous plan for my life, and every day He reveals more of it to me. For what more could I ask?

Oh, and about those three goals...I'm at a healthy weight for my build and height. I feel prettier now than I ever have before. And not because my outside has changed, but my inside has. As for being a better influence in the lives of others...that's not my place to decide ;)

I don't have my new goals fully decided yet so... Happy New Year and much love to all of you! <3 :)