Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Paper Cranes

Do you see this good looking guy right here?? This one with the hazel brown eyes and adorable smile? Today he went with me to unforum. Afterwards, he waited for me to take my Spanish oral exam so we could walk home together. Then he trolled me for forever while we played the beetle game. (I won again, despite anything he says.) When we got to his apartment, he made me paper cranes. He said that the smaller they are, the cuter they are. I agree :) I'm pretty sure I have the cutest cranes in the whole world now. I am so lucky :)

Monday, April 15, 2013

It's a wonderful life.

Life after high school is terrifyingly real. Last year and the years before I'd make plans. I knew exactly what I was going to be and where I was headed. Now it seems like I've finally figured out what I truly, desperately want: I want to be Christlike. The decisions before me are difficult and full of lasting consequences. But I know that as long as my end goal is to become like my Savior, then everything will fall into place. It's different this time, because I feel like my life plan has been frustrated and I haven't been given a new direction. Yet I believe that if I press forward with faith, God will reveal His plan for me in His timing.

Until then, I'll be enjoying my time with my wonderful boyfriend, preparing to serve a mission next spring, and continuing my education at Brigham Young University.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Will someone please explain to me why Minnesota is 1300 miles away??? I can't believe how good he is to me. He is so genuinely compassionate and one of the most selfless people I've ever met. He's smart and hard working and intensely faithful. I've never had this much fun in my whole life. Every little thing about him is my favorite. I am so blessed, yet so greedy: I desperately long for more time and less distance.

Other beautiful things in my life:

General Conference was amazing--"hope on."
My hair is finally beginning to feel long again
Themple Thursday
Spring and Summer terms
One month until Washington DC!
Merrie Monarch competition
Climbing trees and earning scars
Late night swinging
Preparing to apply to the business school
The rain outside.

Friday, April 5, 2013

well worth the wait

I finally realize why it didn't work out earlier with anyone else. I know now why I needed to wait. 

Is this even normal? He says the kindest things and means them. He thinks before he speaks. Is it normal for people who are dating to go on dates?? I don't think he realizes how nice it is to be treated nicely. I am one lucky girl and I have been blessed tremendously. 

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

"I matter."

So I matter now…

It got a little awkward there—those eight or more years when I would wake up every morning loathing my existence. I was in complete despair. I drowned in anxieties and insecurities and imperfections and deviations from the norm. I was meaningless. I didn’t understand that life was happy. I knew it was supposed to be, and that only made me feel guilty for the hatred and self-harm that took place in my cold heart. I was my worst enemy. I remember the hopeless mornings in front of the mirror and the fridge and then there was me, just awkwardly waiting for the moment when it would all end. I was weak and vulnerable and impressionable. People stepped all over me, rejected me, but largely ignored me. I isolated myself all those lonely days in the library eating carrot sticks or a nutrigrain bar.

Counting counting counting because that was the only thing that made sense. My steps, the calories, the times he told me he didn’t love me anymore. The number of people who became strangers to me. My weight, ACT score, GPA, grades. The dwindling number of friends who still liked talking to me. The hair that was falling out. My waistline. Counting and counting and stressing and being sad for far too long. That was my life, and it was worthless.

Now I count my blessings, and now I know I matter.

Monday, April 1, 2013

I didn't know it was possible to feel this way again--beautiful, wanted. I thought trust was something I should be afraid of, yet it makes me feel warm and secure.  How nice it is to be treated like I matter. It's confusing and scary, considering the short amount of time remaining, but I wouldn't trade it for those lonely nights. Every fear I have is more than compensated for with happiness.